In my last post “The difference between …” I encountered the crushing burden of responsibility when I do not trust God and rest in his work. I wish that writing one post was enough to teach me that lesson. Alas, I am still learning.
Alastair and I had our 16th viewing party last night. As we drove to our friend’s apartment my heart was heavy. I did not want to go. I did not want to meet strangers. I did not want to share my story. I was convinced only three people would be there anyway, so why were we wasting our time? I pouted.
My thoughts were pretty ugly, but they are honest. Sometimes I do not want to meet new people. I feel like it takes too much energy to be welcoming and love them well. I want to curl up on my couch. I want to fill up on giant chocolate brownie sundaes and trashy TV. I do not want to be faithful. It’s too hard. My strength runs dry and I want to retreat.
It is so challenging to feel that negative and not give in. When I know God is calling me to do something and all I want to do is say “Nope, I am going to be sit on my couch and do what I want to do.” This is followed by crossing my arms and sticking my tongue out.
Part of me recognizes I have limits and it is OK to say no sometimes. I know we need retreats and times of rest. Jesus loved him some down time. But this was not that. This was me hearing God say go and me wanting to say no. This was me digging my heels in, a habit of which I am rather fond.
In that tension I did not have a quick solution. I told myself “just do it”, but I felt powerless, tired, and grumpy. Pushing myself harder did not work.
Luckily God knows my thoughts and the Spirit is much kinder than I am. In the tension he reminded to pray. Quietly I thought, “Help me”. There was no whoosh of energy or supernatural extroverted-ness, but God helped me remember it is not all up to me.
I remembered I have no control over who comes to the party. I have no control over their hearts or minds. It is not my responsibility to be so loving and amazing that they instantly empty their bank accounts into mine. I remembered God can empower me to love these people well. I remembered he cares about me. I remembered him.
Alastair always says that the first commandment is to remember. “Remember I am the Lord, your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt.” This is not a work to complete, but a truth to dwell in. God is with me. He cares. He is powerful enough to help me accomplish the tasks he calls me to complete.
Again, I am left feeling relief. My moment with God became my retreat. I became ready to go and do what he was asking of me, because it was not up to me to do it all on my own. He was walking beside me, working before me, and tying up loose ends behind me. I remembered my last blog post. I remembered him.