Alastair and I are living in between. We are constantly confronted with the tension of being “here and there”. We are living in one city while praying for another. We are planning and preparing for a church plant that is currently just a future hope. We are saying goodbye to friends while meeting new ones who live 3000 miles away.
It is exhausting, exciting, heartbreaking, and overwhelming.
I am so glad that God does not call us to two cities, two communities, two worlds. It is an impossible task to love both well. I am feeling pulled and torn. I am feeling weak when I want the strength to conquer two huge calls.
I know this is a season, but it has been more than hard. I think painful is the right word.
Trying to remain balanced is impossible while we are “here and there”. The simple answer is to live “here and now”. Jesus tells us that each day has enough to worry about. Adding tomorrow’s worries to today will paralyze us. That is how “here and there” feels. This is how I feel.
How on earth am I supposed to live “here and now” when we have to pack and move and make new friends and say good bye and raise money and pray and build a church for people we have never even met.
The words echo “we have to”. I confess I think this is all up to us. When I am living “here and there”, living for two worlds, it is because I think I am responsible for it all. If I am responsible for it all, there is very little room for God. (ouch).
“Here and now” requires ruthless trust; Trust that God can do the planning, the moving, the preparing, the new friend making, and the heartfelt goodbye-ing. It is trusting that he cares about each of these steps in the process of getting us from here to there. It is believing the reality that he sits here with me, now.
Relinquishing control is painful and scary, but not as painful or scary as living under the illusion that I am actually in control and responsible for everything. That is terrifying. Can you imagine if it really was our job to figure everything out, to make people change, to keep the world spinning?
I hear Jesus whisper, “Come to me, all you heavy laden, all you weary. I will give you rest. Don’t you know my yoke is easy and my burden is light?”
Just in case you’re wondering, a yoke looks something like this …
I close my eyes and see He is yoked with me, linked, walking beside me. And guess what, he is carrying all the weight, all the responsibility. Although we share the yoke- it is as if I am just along for a nice walk, cause he is strong enough to carry the load without me. Even better, it is as if I am the child trying to help, but my legs are dangling as he is bearing the full weight of the yoke and carrying me too. I hope we can rest in this image. He is doing it all and inviting us along for the journey. No need to worry. He knows where we are going, he knows how to get from here to there. He only asks that we are with him here and now.