As we have moved, and begun getting settled, we have done a lot of shopping. We have been on the look out for pots and pans, and couches, and warm undergarments, and wool anything. It has been three weeks of this getting settled/shopping business. First, I have to say thank you to everyone who is supporting us and praying for us. You are really making a difference in how we are adjusting. I feel like I have a new home and it is all thanks to you. Second, I have to admit I am feeling a bit selfish. Hours of my days are devoted to my warmth, my clothes, my comfort, my home, my stuff, my time, my schedule. Alastair and I do not know if we have ever spent so much time focused solely on ourselves, and it is a little unsettling.

I know that this is a phase and these things have to get done. I trust God will give Alastair and I good works to do as time progresses. I am praying he gives us people to love and specifically a job where I can practice counseling. This will come and this selfish feeling will pass, I hope.

As I observe myself and others around me I notice selfishness is not a rare habit. A lot of us are focused on ourselves, our business, our family, our chores, our phones, our emails, you get the idea. Sometimes I feel so self-focused I am closed off to the world around me. I feel a bit shut down. I want to be left alone to handle my own affairs.

I feel a bit clammed up.

If someone needs me to hold the elevator I feel annoyed but do not say anything. If someone wants to bump in front of me in line I am perturbed and think some self-righteous thought about how how my time is just as important as theirs’. I want to help people, but more I want to get that rug that will really tie the room together. I feel pressured to get it all done, now. So it becomes all about me.

As strange as it sounds, when I think of being selfish I think of shellfish. They are these little independent creatures who live in their own world beneath the tide, within a safe shell, protected from intruders, and walled up from their neighbouring mollusks problems. When I am at my most selfish moments I want to crawl into a shell and tell the world to back off. I get crabby (too much of a pun?).

As far as my analogy goes it is pretty accurate as to why I get selfish. When I am most focused on me, I am usually trying to protect myself from some intruder or nuisance. I am trying to take care of myself, but at the cost of hurting those around me. Luckily oysters have no emotions nor responsibility to their communities. I, on the other hand, am called to something greater than bivalve living. I am called to a life of selfless love.

So how do I get there when I feel like disappearing under the sea?

In my experience selfishness is not just self promotion but self protection. It is a survival mechanism of sorts. When I am all on my own in this world, when it is all up to me, when I have to take care of myself, selfishness occurs. The cure then is not putting further pressure on yourself to change or be better. The cure is in release and surrender of your own personal grasp on your life.

If there is no one to help you and care for you, of course you will be selfish. But there is someone who loves you and cares for you—someone who provides for you everyday, guides you, sustains you, and transforms you into the person you dream to be. In case you have not caught on, I am talking about God.

This is the light bulb moment for me on a daily basis. I am cared for. God cares about my warmth and shelter. He has a time and place for me to receive all the things I need. I don’t have to be so Julia-centered because God is God-centered and helps me seek glory rather than my own. His care gives me the freedom to care for others. His love fills me up so I can share with those around me. I do not have to be so worried about me, the bible tells me so (Matt. 6: 25-34).

I hope this helps for any of you who are feeling shellfish, I mean, selfish. You have all you could ever need for this day. You are cared for so you can be free, available to others. Go in knowledge and trust of God’s abundant provision and care.